I believe marriage is only tough when the flesh wants to rule and reign.
If I spend time with the Lord every day, and I am tuned in to that still small voice, I find He has the answers for the problem before I get there.
He has given us His love letter to live by. He has made us to rule & reign. But it has to be according to His book of wisdom that will take us through every day in the victory Christ has already won for us.
Have a blessed day! Vivian

I also agree about the flesh. Especially when the flesh of your partner is ruling her. She left me around 8 months ago and has come back 2 times now. Both times she wants to be true to me but she keeps talking to the other person. I am not really sure what she is trying to prove, but this makes it very rough on me. She will not resist her flesh and turn completely to God. What is a guy to do??? I try to keep the faith the best I can, its just hard. So yes, I believe marriage is TOUGH to say the least.

God Bless

As a lawyer, I handle many divorces for my clients, so the stories I hear are often about the reasons for people getting a divorce. People don’t come to me to tell me about how great their marriage is. I hear it all, some of stories are unbelievable. People experience so much pain and betrayal and loss. I am blessed in a way. The stories and experiences of my clients teach me how to be a better husband. They teach me about my own flaws and imperfections in my own marriage. They help me protect my marriage from the destructive forces that led my clients to their divorce.

There are some common themes that I have seen in failing marriages that I think apply to most people’s marital struggles. Here are some thoughts.

Selfishness: There is no greater destructive force in a marriage than selfishness in my opinion. Selfishness manifests itself in many ways: infidelity, money management (or mismanagement), daily contribution to the relationship, greed, etc.

I often catch myself expecting more from my wife than I am willing to contribute. That’s not fair and it’s selfish behavior. But at least I catch myself doing it and try to change it. It’s usually little things like expecting her to do the laundry, cleaning, giving the kids a bath or things like that, while I sit on the couch watching TV. If I act like that all the time, how long should she put up with me? Not long. So I try to do something or a few things everyday to contribute in the little ways. Amazingly, it makes a huge difference. Every little thing I do is one little thing she doesn’t have to do. It changes that attitude of us both in a positive way. I’m not perfect. I still have lazy tendencies after working 60 hour weeks. But I try.

Dishonesty: I think it goes without saying that lying is destructive to any relationship, especially a marriage. Personally, I find it easy to be honest with my wife. I know the destruction that I will cause if I lie. But amazingly, lying spreads like a disease in failing marriages and yet people continue to do it. Fear of the consequence, embarrassment, pride, you name it. People will find any reason to avoid getting back on the path of honesty. And the longer people wait to start telling the truth, the harder it gets to recover the trust and respect of their partners. I see people who have reached the end of the road and most of them have been betrayed and lied to for years. My experience is that lying causes my clients more pain than their partner’s infidelity. My personal opinion is that if your connection with your spouse is not an honest connection, then it’s not a true connection. It’s just a relationship. To feel connected to someone requires honesty. When I say connected, I mean something like soulmates, not just people who live in the same house together and talk about nonsense. I mean truly understanding your partner, their emotions, their thoughts, their desires, their dreams, their fears, etc. It one of the partners is not honest, there will always be something lacking in that connection. It’s that true connection that God wants for us.

Fear: I’d be surprised if most people think about fear when they think about what might be destroying their marriage. Fear is a complicated emotion. It masks everything and makes it appear to be something else. Fear manifests itself as anger. Fear manifests itself as sadness. Fear manifests itself as stress. Fear manifests itself as anything it needs to be to hide itself. Why? Because fear doesn’t like to be exposed for what it truly is: weakness. Humans are prideful. We view weakness as the opposite of pride. But my personal experience is that when I show my weaknesses to my wife, I become strong, not because I lose my weakness, but because I have a partner to help me overcome my weakness. But it’s hard to show that weakness. It’s hard to tell your wife that you feel incompetent as a provider, that you worry all the time about making enough money for your family, that you fear failure on a daily basis, that you worry about not being able to express your love for her in a way she understands or wants or needs no matter how hard you try. But my experience is that if you don’t share those things, if you don’t overcome the initial fear of exposing your weaknesses to your partner, you will feel alone and your partner will never be able to begin to understand you, never be able to begin to understand your marriage, never be able to begin to understand how to help you, and never begin to be able to understand how to be a better partner. Fear is the silent killer of marriage because nobody likes to talk about it and communication is essential.

Communication (by words): This is perhaps the best thing about my marriage. My wife and I can talk to each other. We talk about the good and the bad. Talking saves our marraige. It protects our marriage. It grows our marriage. It nurtures our marriage. It defines our marriage. I am blessed to have a partner that believes in communication the way I do. If I couldn’t talk to my wife and she couldn’t talk to me, our marriage would fail. So much of what we share together is shared in words.

Anyway, that may be more than you want shared on your site. It’s my little contribution. I hope it’s not too much. I’m not even sure it answers your question but it’s what came to mind when I read it.

Marriage is a team effort, where the man should be the “head” and the wife should be the “help meet” for him. The role of this is so often misunderstood in a marriage. The term “head” doesn’t mean bossy. God made Adam, and saw that he needed someone to help keep him straight, or be his “help meet.” So God put him asleep, took a rib out of his side, and made a woman. When He was finished, He woke Adam up to find her standing over him there in a perfect place where God had created him. His first response was of admiration! Adam said wo-man, and she has been called that ever since. God assigned each of them responsibilities to each other and to creation, and their responsibilities do not conflict nor do they interact, but they compliment each other. Man was created basically simple in complexity, while the woman was made a very deep complex individual. His emotions are usually to holler things out in the open, while she wants to bottle up inside her feelings until she is a time bomb. When both recognize this, they can cope with each other much more easily. With our make up and emotions different, we need to realize that some things that come “naturally” to a woman is not comprehended by a man, that is why she needs to be his “help meet.” And likewise, somethings that seem natural to a man is not reasonable to a woman. As soon as a couple learns this, marriage is much less troublesome.
Two of the best phrases in any marriage is “I don’t understand, talk to me,” and the other is “I am sorry.” When your spouse talks to you, don’t just listen, HEAR what is being said! Think about what your response is going to be, and then act on it. But please keep your mouth shut until you have put your mind in gear!!
Treat your spouse like you want to be treated. I guy might want to get a new ham radio for his birthday, while the wife really would like to get a bouquet of flowers, and hear the words “I love you.” But if you take the time for the bouquet, take a few minutes to hold her and make her feel you mean it. Tell her how beautiful she is; how much you appreciate her being your better half. And don’t talk to him during his sports or favorite TV show until the commercial. Be considerate of him and show him you appreciate him as well.
And it really doesn’t matter how the toilet paper hangs off the wall. If that is a “biggy” with you, then buy the paper with the print on the top of the sheets, and that will be a guide for you to hang it properly…but don’t fuss over little things like that. Life has too many BIG, important things to discuss heatedly.
Guys, always get the last word in in every conversation. Just make that word “yes ma’am.” She was given to you for your help meet, so not only is she probably right 98% of the time, but it is her job to help you. Be smart, and don’t reject it when she tries.
My wife and I have one dogmatic rule in our house! She is right and we both should listen.
Guys, women do not like to fuss and really hate it when we make them do it. They would much rather be able to laugh at you or with you whenever possible. If she is hurting, hold her in your arms, look into her eyes so she knows she has your attention, and get her to tell you about it. Often you can refer to some situation that will make her laugh her problems into a much smaller category.
WOMEN REMEMBER you, not your husband sets the attitude or disposition for the house hold each day. While you are the “weaker” sex, you have the strength to make your family great or tear them apart each and every day. So if something is wrong, keep your mouth shut and fix it. It will be better next time. Set expectations for your husband. Let him know you are confident he can handle the finances, handle the trust you put in him as a man and the leader of the house. Make him feel confident you can trust him and depend on him for your physical, emotional, and sexual needs. Make him believe in himself that he is the only one for you. You will be very gratified in doing so.
GUYS REMEMBER, that beautiful attractive girl who caught your eye and started your dating her? She is still the same girl now. Make her feel that she is the only one for you; the only one you will ever want. Make her feel secure and safe with you in your relationship.
Marriage is hard work of commitment, honesty, devotion, and expressed love. If it wasn’t, everyone would be successful at it. But, boy, is it worth it!!! IT ALWAYS takes two to tango. And it takes two to hug, kiss, and compliment each other. Then marriage is a bliss, not a struggle.
Yea, I am an old Ghent, and I have learned the hard way. Please take heed, learn from my experiences, not your own.

Theron,

Your latest comment about being in relationship with Christ is exactly where my current “Spiritual Healing” series is leading. My post from from Friday, February 26, entitled “Rebuilding from GROUND ZERO” speak to our truly understanding what love really is. You are correct, we cannot truly love our spouses properly until we understand what love really is.

Thank you for sharing!

God bless,

Sean

Oops hit a wrong key.
If you love her, take the time to stop by a florist and do the job right. So many little thoughtful things will make her feel so good.
Last night, I lay in bed beside my wife just prior to rolling over and going to sleep, just looking at her in the dim light from the street light just outside our bedroom window. She was covered up with the bedding up to her neck. I just slowly and softly said, “hmm hmmm hmmmm.” She looked at me and asked what I was looking at. I told her I was just enjoying how beautiful she looked with the soft reflection of the light from the street. She replied with an aw shucks! We embraced for a few seconds, kissed, and went to sleep.
YEP, I AM THE HEAD OF MY HOUSE HOLD!
Guys, you say you want the will of God for your life? That is wonderful. But do you want that in everything? In the Garden of Eden, God created man, gave him the wisdom to name everything that swims and creapeth on the earth. God gave him all he needed for his sustenance without his laboring, yet after a while he was not satisfied. Adam needed a help meet, so God put Adam to sleep, took a rib (a bone from close to his heart) and made a woman for him.
The wife God gave you is your “Eve.” So be smart and listen to her helping advise and what she tells you, evaluate the situation together, and then take charge! Take her advise and put it into action. Let her do her job for you as your help meet. Don’t make her feel silly when she tries to help you and then testify you want God’s will for yourself. She knows you are lying whether your fellow church members do or not. It is her design by creation to be your chief adviser and helper. For pete’s sake, let her do her job and appreciate her for doing it.
Yes sir, by cracky, you are the head of the house! But remember, she is the neck that turns the head! And if your “neck” is turning you somewhere other than to her, you had better change your thoughts to get you to turn back to her. Most women are very devoted to anything/anyone they love. If the two of you are drifting apart, take a close look at you in the mirror, sir, and see if you can find where the problem is. That is not to say you are any less of a man, it just means you need to be man enough to see your mistakes, and correct them. A woman whose mouth is busy bragging about you to her girl friends and kissing you won’t have enough time to b@*&% at you. Keep her mouth sweet. That is your part as the man of the house. Are you doing your job at home? Or are you leaving a big gap for another Larry to come in between you and take your job over? If you are struggling in your marriage and you still love that gorgeous petite lady you fell in love with, you had better be man enough to take inventory of your actions toward her. Want to keep her? Then respect her and show/tell her you want to. Women love to hear the words, “I love you.” She loves to feel the strong arms of her man around her in an embrace, and feel he is supportive of her physically and emotionally. This way, the both of you will lift each other up together.
Alright, sir, go be the man of your house so she can spend time telling her girl friends about how good her man is while they are complaining about the slouch they married.
And one last thought before I go for today. Tomorrow I want to talk to the women folk. But, guys, remember the guy she married? Remember the guy she bargained for? How attractive he looked in a v-neck tee shirt and walking shorts? Remember how she used to smile when other women would look back and watch the two of you walk hand in hand? Guys, remember those good ole days, five years back when you looked worth walking with? How do you appear now? Have you adulterated your marriage with your appetite? Are you the same guy she wants to be with? Some of us need to deal with ourselves harshly with a good dose of self discipline! We need to get back to being the guy she married. Perhaps that will give her more drive to stay with us and help try to make a marriage a pleasure instead of drudgery. Face up to some sad news, fellows, it ain’t all her fault. Now go do your part in the marriage so she can do hers! And God bless your efforts.

Oops!
Keep a nice figure. And I don’t mean skinny. But if you are 5’10″ you don’t need to weigh 275 Lbs. All that grease is not attractive to yourself, your husband, or your children. Maintain a moderate weight so your immediate family will be as proud of you as you are proud of you. And when the children are in bed, and the two of you are alone together, put something on that will make his eyes fall out on his cheeks! You keep his eyes full at home, and they won’t wonder elsewhere while he is out elsewhere during the day. Other women over exposed will look repulsive to him if he is happily satisfied at home. And it will be a joy for him to fill your needs, too.
Make-up…some women need a little bit. But don’t over do it. Your lips really don’t need to extend 1/2 way to your nose to be pretty. Cheek bones are probably very attractive to him just the way they are without any highlighting. If he finds you attractive for that first good morning kiss, he will find you attractive all day long.
Two people deeply in love and satisfied with each other won’t need to struggle in their marriage. If you are having marital problems, look in the mirror to see what the problem is. If you do not find yourself a person who is attractive and a person whom you can be in love with, he won’t either.
THE ONE THING YOU CAN DO for the both of you is take time to have personal devotions each morning. Don’t have time? Set the alarm 15 minutes early and get them in. Let your husband hear you praying for him to have a good day at work. Allow your children to hear you praying for them to have a successful and a safe day at school/play. If they are older children, let them hear you telling your Lord how much you love them and how you hope they will have a safe return home when they come in the door. You will be the most beautiful wife and mom ever existed! And you won’t have marital struggles, either. I promise. God bless your home that He and you have made.